I got another message from Ellie, because after ignoring the first I then forgot about it. I said yeah, let’s meet up, but she can’t make this Friday or Saturday (and I bet it’s something to do with the new guy). And then because I didn’t want things to go sour between us I reminded her it was my turn to dare her. She replied with “Gulp”, and now I have to think of something really risky.

I felt better about regular Pilates tonight having drawn a line about Pilates Plus (as I might now call it).

It’s amazing how much better a cry and a hug can make you feel! Even Ha said I looked more cheerful today. And it’s not like anything has actually happened, but I think the feeling that someone is fighting in my corner really helps. I still feel guilty for not mentioning what’s happened with Mel, but then since it’s come to an end I guess it doesn’t matter now. I feel a bit sad that it’s the end of naked Pilates but I guess life move on.

I got a reply from Mel this morning that just said: “We need to talk.”

I didn’t reply, but there was a knock at my door about seven-thirty, and of course it was Mel. I was tempted to try to draw a line under things there and then, but at least some part of me has remembered how much she’s been helping me with the Pilates and the running. I’ve wondered why she’s doing it, and was beginning to think maybe she just got a kick out of pushing me around, but I should be grateful nonetheless.

Also, because I couldn’t be bothered to undress, I was actually still wearing my work clothes.

Anyway, we sat at my kitchen table, and I said I needed wine, and Mel said she would have some too, and we started to talk. And now I realise just how lucky I am to have her around.

She started just by asking me what was up and I said I was in a rut and not going anywhere, and then she kept digging. And digging. And eventually I got to Ellie, and for the first time in my life I admitted having feelings for another woman (and I’d only just admitted it to myself recently, unless a silly crush on Jo in the office counts).

Then Mel started to unpick things, but also telling me I didn’t have to have the answers right now, that I was young and I was meant to be working things out. She said I should have asked her weeks ago and she’d have told me to make a move, just to answer the question. So what if Ellie rejected me? She reckoned we’d stay friends, and she’s almost certainly right.

We talked about work a bit, and that’s one part of my life that’s going okay. I told her about Kieran, and then I cried a bit, not about him, or about Ellie, but just because I needed to, and she sat and held my hand and said crying was also good, and once I was done with that we had to work out what to do next.

So a plan has been formed: Pilates is out for Monday nights, but I have to do some on my own time, and Mel is now my life coach, advisor, trainer and everything else I need to fix my life. And in return I’ll do her accounting for her, and maybe some other admin, because I doubt she’s got that much bookkeeping that needs doing.

We had a nice hug on the doorstep before she went home. I still feel sad, but I feel a lot better.

Well at least I had something random to change my day today. I was heading out to the supermarket when the woman opposite came out of her door. I waved, because we’ve seen each other enough across the street by now, and we’ve even seen each other naked, for God’s sake, and she waved back, and then like she had a sudden idea she crossed over to me.

Her name is Alison, and she was really nice. But she said we’d seen each other so much (but didn’t refer to the nude bit) and it was a shame that nobody knew their neighbours so how about I come over for afternoon tea later. I said sure, because I literally couldn’t care less about what I do with my day at the moment.

Anyway, I went over at four and knocked on the door, and I was let in by the guy, the one I’ve seen walking around naked a couple of times. He smiled and said his name was Russ, and we shook hands very gently, and he led me inside.

Alison was sitting on the sofa and looking a little more formal than I’d have expected, in a nice skirt and blouse and make-up that put me to shame a little, because I was in trousers and a top and very much without make-up. I noticed Russ was quite smartly dressed too, in trousers and a shirt. I wondered if I’d misread the tone of the afternoon, or perhaps they were the religious type who got really dressed up for Sundays.

Anyway, Alison got me to sit next to her, and we chatted about random things while Russ went off and made tea.

Ten minutes later he came back with tray, some cakes, a teapot, milk, spoons, and everything, and only two cups. I was too curious not to ask why there weren’t three and Alison said he was okay, he’d have something later.

But he remained standing nearby – not sitting – and not joining in the conversation. At some point I had to probe and said I wasn’t sure if the two of them were together and Alison said “we are” and then added “kind of” and then another pause and said “I guess most people would say: yes, we are”, and that didn’t clear it up much either.

Still, as I thought earlier, Alison was nice, but if I wanted anything else it was Russ that got it, and Russ that poured the tea, and Russ that put a pastry on my plate and handed it to me. But it was never Russ that spoke.

I was there for about ninety minutes before I thought I’d probably stayed long enough, and I couldn’t tell if they wanted me to leave, but Alison said goodbye from the sitting room and said it was really nice to meet me and hear about my work, and she’d really like to have me over again, maybe in a couple of weeks for tea again. I said it would be nice, which it might be, even if a bit weird, and then Russ showed me to the door.

It was all a bit strange. And then to top it off I got home, made dinner, and before I went to bed I sacked my dominatrix. (i.e. texted Mel to say I didn’t think I should come to hers any more).

What a week.

I couldn’t face Mel so I bailed on park run too. Even she’s policing me now, though, as I got a text message just before it was due to start asking if I was on my way. I replied later saying I still wasn’t feeling great. I also feel like I should stop going to see her on Mondays. Maybe I’ll tell her tomorrow. I mean, it wouldn’t be unreasonable, and I can say I’m just not comfortable with where things were going, don’t blame yourself, it’s not you it’s me blah blah blah.

I got a message from Ellie too asking if I wanted to meet up this weekend. I’ve pretended I haven’t seen it yet.

I turned down all offers of drinks and evenings out today and said I was meeting other friends. Although I couldn’t lie to Ha and just said I’d had a busy few weeks and needed some time to recoup, which is the truth.

So I’m sitting here in the nude, not really getting a kick out of it at all, surfing the web and trying to get turned on by erotic stories. It’s not really working so I think it’s an early night.

I’m doing what so many people do in times of trouble: burying myself in my work. I took Tim to meet a new client today, because he’ll be working on their accounts, and I wanted to see what he was like in a meeting. On the way back I asked him if he’d worked out where he thought we’d met yet and he turned bright red and said it was a mistake and we definitely hadn’t. It was really weird.

I pulled myself together for “real” Pilates this evening. It seemed so pedestrian. I don’t know why, but it feels like I’ve stepped back into a completely normal world again, and the world I left was only a dream anyway. Sitting in chains and cuffs on a stool in Mel’s kitchen seems a lifetime away and it was only ten days.

Also, I haven’t even had to think about breaking Mel’s rule about not masturbating, because I haven’t felt like it at all.

Ha asked me what was up today. I said nothing, and she said “okay, but I don’t believe you”. I explained I was just stuck in a bit of a rut, which is true, but it’s obviously not the main reason. I think she knows that but I just don’t want to explain it to her, and I don’t really know what there is to explain: I had a silly crush on a girl who I think also likes to get naked like me, and it turns out that both of us are into guys really? That doesn’t make any sense.

I did it. I cancelled my session with Mel. It just didn’t feel right. I just feel a bit sick, and going around hers and squirming naked on her floor just feels… dishonest, maybe. Like I’m using her, and if I keep doing it I won’t snap into anything new.

Anyway, I sent her a message saying I thought I was coming down with something so better to postpone.