I’m meeting Kieran tonight and staying at his place this weekend. I wasn’t sure about it after last weekend, but hopefully that was just a blip. We’ll see.
I’m having lunch with Ha and Helen (from work. Not Kieran’s flat mate’s girlfriend.) I have meetings this afternoon so this might be the only chance to write that I get today.
It was a beautiful day out today so I put on a nice dress (and nothing else, of course) and just enjoyed the stares of men on the tube. Even Ellie at the PR place said it was nice. She was in a white blouse and trousers, but I’m still sure she doesn’t wear a bra. Geoff wasn’t in today, though, so I couldn’t watch to see if they were getting together at all.
Then I had lunch with Jo. We talked about work for a bit, but I had to ask her about dating. She said she’d seen a couple of men, and one of them was okay and she was going on a second date. I said that was great news, but also felt kind of jealous, which is weird. I still have some kind of crush on her. I thought I was too old for that. But I want the best for her anyway.
She asked me about my boyfriend and I felt kind of coy, like I didn’t want her to know about Kieran. I don’t know why.
“It was a recurring dream, that I would just be walking along the highway, leaving civilisation behind until there was nothing but my body and the elements.”
I resolved to be in a better mood today, although I was still a bit grumpy with Ha. I did have a meeting with Jo and suggested we have lunch sometime, so that’s happening tomorrow after I’m done at the marketing company.
I took my frustration out on Pilates this evening, even if that’s not what it’s there for. But I feel better now.
I tried flirting with the marketing guy at the startup company today, with my blouse half unbuttoned and flapping around and a tight little skirt. I was still mad at Kieran as much as anything, but it didn’t really make me feel any better, and it turns out that when I’m in a bad mood I’m really terrible at flirting. I think I might have put him off entirely, so that’ll teach me. He wasn’t that nice anyway.
While I was there I got a text from Susan (the old work colleague) saying that it had been three months so did I fancy a quick drink after work. And boy did I want a drink by then.
Anyway, I told her more about Kieran, but how I wasn’t really sure, and she said she’d not met anyone she really liked recently and was wondering if it would ever happen. I know we’re only in our mid-twenties, but it seems like we’re going nowhere. I told her about Jo and her partner splitting after all this time, though, and we both wondered why we were even bothering if all men were going to do was replace us with a younger model once we hit forty.
“Beyond all the social niceties and airs and graces, would anyone ever see me for who I really was? Were they ready for that?”
I was a bit grumpy at work today, and when Ha said she heard we’d had an argument I snapped at her, because I didn’t want her to know every little detail of what goes on between me and Kieran. It wasn’t nice of me because it’s not her fault and I’ll have to say sorry to her once I’m in a better mood.
Kieran sent me a message after work but I didn’t reply to it. I decided I needed some “me” time so I walked around the house naked and who cares who looks in. It was quite liberating.
We had another argument. I think the problem was that last weekend was so good, and this weekend was just kind of… normal. It just all felt a bit wrong, like going through the motions. I feel really bad today.
“If you’re going to boast that you’re just as comfortable in your own skin as clothed then you better be prepared to go through with it.”