Exhibitionist Diary – Monday 18th November 2019


I got a reply from Mel this morning that just said: “We need to talk.”

I didn’t reply, but there was a knock at my door about seven-thirty, and of course it was Mel. I was tempted to try to draw a line under things there and then, but at least some part of me has remembered how much she’s been helping me with the Pilates and the running. I’ve wondered why she’s doing it, and was beginning to think maybe she just got a kick out of pushing me around, but I should be grateful nonetheless.

Also, because I couldn’t be bothered to undress, I was actually still wearing my work clothes.

Anyway, we sat at my kitchen table, and I said I needed wine, and Mel said she would have some too, and we started to talk. And now I realise just how lucky I am to have her around.

She started just by asking me what was up and I said I was in a rut and not going anywhere, and then she kept digging. And digging. And eventually I got to Ellie, and for the first time in my life I admitted having feelings for another woman (and I’d only just admitted it to myself recently, unless a silly crush on Jo in the office counts).

Then Mel started to unpick things, but also telling me I didn’t have to have the answers right now, that I was young and I was meant to be working things out. She said I should have asked her weeks ago and she’d have told me to make a move, just to answer the question. So what if Ellie rejected me? She reckoned we’d stay friends, and she’s almost certainly right.

We talked about work a bit, and that’s one part of my life that’s going okay. I told her about Kieran, and then I cried a bit, not about him, or about Ellie, but just because I needed to, and she sat and held my hand and said crying was also good, and once I was done with that we had to work out what to do next.

So a plan has been formed: Pilates is out for Monday nights, but I have to do some on my own time, and Mel is now my life coach, advisor, trainer and everything else I need to fix my life. And in return I’ll do her accounting for her, and maybe some other admin, because I doubt she’s got that much bookkeeping that needs doing.

We had a nice hug on the doorstep before she went home. I still feel sad, but I feel a lot better.

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