After I got back from the run today I opened all the things I’d ordered for the cabaret show. I had to laugh as I stood back from the bed and looked at it, because none of it looked like anything I would ever own!

I tried it on in the privacy of my bedroom and I can’t work out whether I feel as sexy as hell or like a complete idiot!

Good news and bad news! Or maybe good news and scary news.

The good news is that dinner at Sarah’s is on as Mark said he can make Saturday 22^nd. The scary news is that Sarah said he wasn’t sure if he could, but then she told him that last time they had dinner at her place I turned up naked. That’s bad enough, but she told him I’d given my assurance that I’d be naked again! I guess if he doesn’t like me after that then I’ll know for sure.

I’m starting to feel the frustration building up from Mel’s regime of abstinence. I know what she’s doing: getting me so worked up that the only way I can possibly get any release is to do as she says. And dammit if I’d held out for longer the last time perhaps she wouldn’t just use the same trick again!

I’ve actually looked at the photos too, and it’s really weird to see yourself in bondage. But Mel’s right that I’ve toned up a bit, and also that there’s still more work to do before the end of March.

Two things today: Pilates (ouch!) and some of my new gear has been delivered. And you can probably guess who it’s been delivered to: Alison and Russ. I’m not sure what Russ does for a living but he seems to work from home quite a bit, hence being available to take all of those local parcels. I wondered if the box was labelled with anything, since it was the suspenders and garters that had arrived, and for once I didn’t care if they knew.

I picked them up on the way home this evening and Russ answered for a change. He never says much so I have no idea if he could have worked out what they were.

Still no reply from Mark, so I’ve decided to pull out another option: I’ve messaged Sarah to ask if she could arrange a dinner at her place and make sure he’s invited. (And me too!) She replied asking if she could promise I’d be dressed the same as last time I went to theirs for dinner (i.e. naked) because then he’d be guaranteed to come along. I said that maybe I shouldn’t look too keen, and the cheeky girl that she is replied with “Is there any such thing as too keen?” She’s quite a minx considering she’s a happily (almost) married woman.

It’s almost a routine now: finish work, go to the toilet, undress, put my coat and boots back on, walk to Mel’s, climb the stairs, take off my coat, knock on the door and wait.

There was no sign of a neighbour today, and Mel answered a little more quickly than usual so I didn’t have to stand in the corridor in the nude for quite so long.

Mel looked like she was dressed for business in a tight black body suit that covered her from head to toe and I felt even more naked as I took my boots off. Then as we went into her office she picked up yet another object in a seemingly endless supply of bondage equipment and began to fit me into it as we talked generally about how my week had been.

It’s very surreal, to be saying you don’t feel like your life is going anywhere as someone puts a collar around your neck. At least it had a soft lining, but there was a long rod that went out horizontally either side and my wrists went into cuffs at the ends. I’ve seen the kind of thing when I once watched the movie Secretary (https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0274812/) (which is one hot movie!).

So imagine being in that, but naked, and you can probably imagine how exposed I felt. Mel said she likes them because it makes a woman keep her arms away from her body when there’s nowhere to tie her to the ceiling! Plus it makes sure the back stays straight, but I don’t think posture really has a lot to do with it any more. Thankfully she thinks it’s too impractical to ask me to work like that (unlike Secretary!). Just to finish it off, she added the metal ankle cuffs and medium length chain I’d been in before. They only restrict my movement a little but just feeling the cold metal against my skin makes me tingle.

Then things turned serious, despite how I was sitting, and Mel said from now on we’d be more structured about things. She took out a notepad and said I had to tell her something that went well last week, talk about challenges, and then set my priorities for the next two weeks. I wondered what part Mel played in this, since I had to do it all! But I guess the point is for her to help me, not to come up with solutions.

I struggled with what went well and came up with setting work for Rachel and Tim (which was kind of a success, I guess), but the immediate challenge was doing that and maintaining my own workload, and trying to move forwards.

Then Mel said it was interesting that despite sitting here naked and in bondage that all I talked about was work! So I admitted that the Sunday night in the pub was a kind of success, since I was down to wearing nothing but my underwear in a very public place. But a challenge I had was seeing people with partners when I had even less than I had last year.

We came to action items: with work it was to write down how much time I spent on managing people against my own work. And with relationships I had to visualise how I saw myself in five years’ time, and later we’d work out how to get there. That sounded quite hard to do, and Mel said that that was part of the problem, because I didn’t necessarily want what I thought I wanted (which is what everyone else seems to have).

Then Mel suddenly stood up and told me to follow her into the other room. I could walk in the chains, but I had to go through the doorway sideways in the yoke, and I felt very silly standing in the middle of her sitting room with my arms out and my hands at head height. She stood close to me and squeezed my upper arm with her fingers and said “You’ve leaned down quite a bit since we first met,” which I took as a compliment, and then she put her hand on my breast and said “And your tits have shrunk too.” I felt so embarrassed, which is silly given my situation, which should have already been embarrassing enough.

And the worse thing was she took her hand away almost straight away, because if she’d just had a good old grope at least I’d have gotten something out of it. Instead she just walked slowly around me, as if sizing me up to either buy or sell. Then to top it off she took out her phone and I was the centrepiece of three more photos.

After that she unfastened the cuffs and collar and put the yoke to one side, then the ankle cuffs, and said she’d send me the images and if I was brave enough to post them online (in the same place as last time) then I could relieve myself as I wish.

Funnily enough, I don’t know if it’s much worse than posting the ones that are already there, but it feels like an act of defiance not to. So now I’m at home, naked again, and very, very frustrated.

I inflicted some extra Pilates on myself today (on my own at home), because I feel I need to really slim down and tone up for my routine. I still can’t really believe it’s going to happen. I did it in the front room, in the nude, knowing full well that Alison and Russ were at home across the room. A lot of it is done on the floor and out of sight, but they would definitely get an eyeful of my body as I stretched and lunged.

I was both tired and turned on by the end of it, but since Mel has forbidden any “self-love” I couldn’t do anything about it!

And still no word from Mark, so I guess we’re not doing anything! That’s one hope dashed.

I dutifully did the park run this morning, and Mel asked me how the preparation was going. I didn’t have to ask what she meant, but I said I’d just been watching the video (which I had) and was making a list of things I needed. She said I shouldn’t leave it too late, which is true, but the thing is: as soon as I start buying all those things it’s going to seem very real, and at the moment it’s far enough away that I don’t really have to believe it’s going to happen.

Anyway, I spent the afternoon looking at strapless corsets (that unfasten easily at the back, which has not been easy, and it turns out that what I actually need is called a bustier), short dresses (that unfasten easily at the side), garters (that just unfasten easily), suspenders (that come off easily)… you get the picture. All I actually have is knickers, stockings and shoes. I even need to buy a strapless bra for under the corset. Thankfully a lot of that kind of stuff is cheaper than you’d think, if you’re not too worried about quality material. I’ll probably be okay as long as I don’t stand too close to a naked flame.

I’ve place the order, though, and it should arrive next week.

And just like that the first month of the year is almost over! I don’t feel like I’ve achieved anything at all. It’s probably a good job I didn’t really make any New Year resolutions (despite Sarah saying I had!) otherwise I would have broken them already, because I’ve done absolutely nothing productive.

Hopefully Monday with Mel will cover some serious ground, because everyone seems to be moving forwards at the moment and I’m just standing still.

I was brave enough to send a message to Mark’s mobile number asking him if he fancied doing anything at the weekend. I said that if he didn’t remember me I’m the girl who always seems to be missing most of an outfit. No reply yet, which is making me anxious. I’m not even sure if I’m massively keen on him, but he’s the best prospect I’ve had for quite some time.

I did have my hopes up when a message arrived, but it was from Ellie, which is still nice. She was asking if, now January was nearly over, I wanted to meet up with her and Stephen one evening, and perhaps I could bring someone. I’ll wait until Mark replies before I try and fix up a date, because I’d much rather go along with someone else than be the gooseberry.