I’m doing what so many people do in times of trouble: burying myself in my work. I took Tim to meet a new client today, because he’ll be working on their accounts, and I wanted to see what he was like in a meeting. On the way back I asked him if he’d worked out where he thought we’d met yet and he turned bright red and said it was a mistake and we definitely hadn’t. It was really weird.

I pulled myself together for “real” Pilates this evening. It seemed so pedestrian. I don’t know why, but it feels like I’ve stepped back into a completely normal world again, and the world I left was only a dream anyway. Sitting in chains and cuffs on a stool in Mel’s kitchen seems a lifetime away and it was only ten days.

Also, I haven’t even had to think about breaking Mel’s rule about not masturbating, because I haven’t felt like it at all.

Ha asked me what was up today. I said nothing, and she said “okay, but I don’t believe you”. I explained I was just stuck in a bit of a rut, which is true, but it’s obviously not the main reason. I think she knows that but I just don’t want to explain it to her, and I don’t really know what there is to explain: I had a silly crush on a girl who I think also likes to get naked like me, and it turns out that both of us are into guys really? That doesn’t make any sense.

I did it. I cancelled my session with Mel. It just didn’t feel right. I just feel a bit sick, and going around hers and squirming naked on her floor just feels… dishonest, maybe. Like I’m using her, and if I keep doing it I won’t snap into anything new.

Anyway, I sent her a message saying I thought I was coming down with something so better to postpone.

What a downer. It all happened yesterday afternoon but I couldn’t muster the energy to write then.

I was very hopefully naked when I opened the door for Ellie, which surprised her a little more than I thought it would. I noticed the woman upstairs opposite looking down at us, and it would have been obvious I was in the nude, so I gave Ellie a little hug. Her coat felt really nice against my skin.

Anyway, she came in, hung her coat up and we went to the kitchen and I made some tea. Ellie’s eyes were dancing and I was really anxious to hear what she had to say.

So she started by talking about how difficult it was to tell if something was a date or not, because you can have a lot of fun but it’s only a date if both people think it’s a date, otherwise it’s just fun. My heart was racing because I knew exactly what she meant.

I was sitting opposite her at the kitchen table and literally this close to just telling her to shut up and kissing her on the lips when she said: “So I’ve been seeing this guy.”

It was absolutely one of those moments where I wished the ground would open up and swallow me whole. I really did. Or at least just rewind the day to before I had this knowledge.

Well, then she told me everything, as if I care, and she said his name is Neal, and she met him through work at a client event, and he’s quite a bit older which is why she wasn’t sure what people would think, but now she’s decided she really likes him and to hell with it.

I did my best to grin and tell her I was really happy for her. I mean, I was, and am, but I wasn’t happy for me, because it wasn’t until that moment that I realised how much I cared for her. Or, okay, I admit it: I really had a crush on her. Now I wonder if I should have said or done something earlier, or maybe I’d have just embarrassed us both. That seems more likely.

They’ve been seeing each other on and off for about a month, so even well before we kissed in the nightclub, but it was only on Wednesday that she realised he actually liked her. And, well, of course he would, because she’s cute and pretty and clever and she looks better naked than I do and I never told her that.

I was kind of happy that she wasn’t staying for long because I was feeling sick. I was going to say “to hell with Mel’s rules”, but now I’m not in the mood for anything. Time to vegetate in front of Netflix again, I think. And I might cancel Mel tomorrow.

Ellie’s coming over in a bit and I’m so excited. I’ve literally spent the entire day naked already, since after the park run anyway, and I plan to spend the entire evening that way too. Maybe she’ll end up naked too. Maybe we’ll get up to all kinds of naughtiness. I’m starting to hope so and not care about whether it means anything. Mel might have told me I can’t masturbate, but if someone else is involved I can do what I like!

And speaking of which, I was a bit embarrassed seeing Mel this morning in the park, but she was just the same as ever. We had a brief chat about how things are going and she said “see you Monday” and ran off into the distance, not even hanging around for me at the end.