It’s Friday, and it was bright and sunny (if cold) and I put on a shorter skirt and stockings and a blouse and dragged Tim out for lunch with Rachel, under the guise of “getting to know each other”. He was still very quiet, but quite nice we he did say things, and me and Rachel did our best to quiz him. One thing: he’s most definitely single, and he’s most definitely straight.

I went and sat with him this afternoon and, whoopsie, by skirt rode up just enough to show that, yes, those are stockings and not tights. Wait until he learns I’m not wearing any underwear. (And how exactly am I going to communicate that?)

Then to finish it off I dragged him out to the pub afterwards with a few others, because he’s new and he needs to get to know people. And, you know what, even flirting with someone who’s probably off-limits made me feel better than last week.

I went with Tim to the new client again, just to make sure he knew what he was doing. He’s very quiet, but that almost makes him more attractive, although he seems to blush a bit when he talks to me, and he’s definitely spent enough time checking me out when he thinks I’m not looking. Now I’m actually wondering why exactly it would be so bad to see him on a date, because although he’s working in my team I can’t fire him, so I’m not technically his boss. I know it’s not exactly ideal, but rules are made to be broken, right?

I think I’ll start with a little more flirting and see if he’s interested. And once I get to know him a bit better he might turn out to be a dork anyway.

I got another message from Ellie, because after ignoring the first I then forgot about it. I said yeah, let’s meet up, but she can’t make this Friday or Saturday (and I bet it’s something to do with the new guy). And then because I didn’t want things to go sour between us I reminded her it was my turn to dare her. She replied with “Gulp”, and now I have to think of something really risky.

I felt better about regular Pilates tonight having drawn a line about Pilates Plus (as I might now call it).

It’s amazing how much better a cry and a hug can make you feel! Even Ha said I looked more cheerful today. And it’s not like anything has actually happened, but I think the feeling that someone is fighting in my corner really helps. I still feel guilty for not mentioning what’s happened with Mel, but then since it’s come to an end I guess it doesn’t matter now. I feel a bit sad that it’s the end of naked Pilates but I guess life move on.

I got a reply from Mel this morning that just said: “We need to talk.”

I didn’t reply, but there was a knock at my door about seven-thirty, and of course it was Mel. I was tempted to try to draw a line under things there and then, but at least some part of me has remembered how much she’s been helping me with the Pilates and the running. I’ve wondered why she’s doing it, and was beginning to think maybe she just got a kick out of pushing me around, but I should be grateful nonetheless.

Also, because I couldn’t be bothered to undress, I was actually still wearing my work clothes.

Anyway, we sat at my kitchen table, and I said I needed wine, and Mel said she would have some too, and we started to talk. And now I realise just how lucky I am to have her around.

She started just by asking me what was up and I said I was in a rut and not going anywhere, and then she kept digging. And digging. And eventually I got to Ellie, and for the first time in my life I admitted having feelings for another woman (and I’d only just admitted it to myself recently, unless a silly crush on Jo in the office counts).

Then Mel started to unpick things, but also telling me I didn’t have to have the answers right now, that I was young and I was meant to be working things out. She said I should have asked her weeks ago and she’d have told me to make a move, just to answer the question. So what if Ellie rejected me? She reckoned we’d stay friends, and she’s almost certainly right.

We talked about work a bit, and that’s one part of my life that’s going okay. I told her about Kieran, and then I cried a bit, not about him, or about Ellie, but just because I needed to, and she sat and held my hand and said crying was also good, and once I was done with that we had to work out what to do next.

So a plan has been formed: Pilates is out for Monday nights, but I have to do some on my own time, and Mel is now my life coach, advisor, trainer and everything else I need to fix my life. And in return I’ll do her accounting for her, and maybe some other admin, because I doubt she’s got that much bookkeeping that needs doing.

We had a nice hug on the doorstep before she went home. I still feel sad, but I feel a lot better.