What a downer. It all happened yesterday afternoon but I couldn’t muster the energy to write then.

I was very hopefully naked when I opened the door for Ellie, which surprised her a little more than I thought it would. I noticed the woman upstairs opposite looking down at us, and it would have been obvious I was in the nude, so I gave Ellie a little hug. Her coat felt really nice against my skin.

Anyway, she came in, hung her coat up and we went to the kitchen and I made some tea. Ellie’s eyes were dancing and I was really anxious to hear what she had to say.

So she started by talking about how difficult it was to tell if something was a date or not, because you can have a lot of fun but it’s only a date if both people think it’s a date, otherwise it’s just fun. My heart was racing because I knew exactly what she meant.

I was sitting opposite her at the kitchen table and literally this close to just telling her to shut up and kissing her on the lips when she said: “So I’ve been seeing this guy.”

It was absolutely one of those moments where I wished the ground would open up and swallow me whole. I really did. Or at least just rewind the day to before I had this knowledge.

Well, then she told me everything, as if I care, and she said his name is Neal, and she met him through work at a client event, and he’s quite a bit older which is why she wasn’t sure what people would think, but now she’s decided she really likes him and to hell with it.

I did my best to grin and tell her I was really happy for her. I mean, I was, and am, but I wasn’t happy for me, because it wasn’t until that moment that I realised how much I cared for her. Or, okay, I admit it: I really had a crush on her. Now I wonder if I should have said or done something earlier, or maybe I’d have just embarrassed us both. That seems more likely.

They’ve been seeing each other on and off for about a month, so even well before we kissed in the nightclub, but it was only on Wednesday that she realised he actually liked her. And, well, of course he would, because she’s cute and pretty and clever and she looks better naked than I do and I never told her that.

I was kind of happy that she wasn’t staying for long because I was feeling sick. I was going to say “to hell with Mel’s rules”, but now I’m not in the mood for anything. Time to vegetate in front of Netflix again, I think. And I might cancel Mel tomorrow.