I slept in late yesterday so today I made up for missing the park run by going out by myself, and texting Mel to make sure she knew I was keeping up the routine!

When I got back Alison and Russ were on the way out so I had to talk to them while I stood sweaty and panting outside the front door. Alison said she wanted to arrange another afternoon tea, or maybe an evening thing with the same group as before. I knew what she meant and Russ looked embarrassed enough that he did too. I said sure, just let me know, and set up a Whatsapp group with everyone (except for Russ), and added Helen (Ha’s friend) too because she missed out last time and I think she’d find it fun.

That was another fun night. Elise said she loved my dress and it was so funny that she never knew whether I was going to turn up wearing a sexy dress or nothing at all! I said: “Which one do you prefer?” and she said “Just surprise me every time.”

She was in trousers and a blouse and looked quite boyish with her short hair.

We went for sushi, and then we were talking so much Elise said it would be nice just to go somewhere quiet, so we found a hotel bar, which always seems a bit odd to me if you’re not staying at the hotel but they’re often quiet. But we had some pretty in-depth conversations about our past life and loves, and she told me all about her cancer treatment, losing her hair, and deciding she just had to live for every moment. I asked if that was why she’d spontaneously gotten naked at some party years ago and she said kind of, but she’d always thought it might be fun, just as a one-off, and it was.

Then Elise quizzed me a lot about my, um, predilection to nudity. She asked if I’d always been like it – which I hadn’t, but I’d long fantasised – and who knew about it, and what did they think, and was I nude at home (which I am. A lot.) She said if she knocked on the door would I just answer it in the nude and I said not usually, but I might if it was her, and she said she’d try it sometime, although she’d have to let me know because I don’t answer the door nude to just anybody.

I ended up talking about Mark and Ana too, because I wanted to be honest with her, and she asked if it was a full-on polyamorous relationship and I had to admit I didn’t know. I said I liked them, and we had a lot of fun, but I felt like they were a couple and I wasn’t. I told her I’d never been with a woman before then, because I think Mel doing things to me doesn’t really count, and she asked what I preferred and I really don’t know any more. I think I get turned on by men more, but they’re less interesting when we get to doing anything. Elise said she might take that as a challenge because she’d mostly given up on men years ago, but then she hadn’t had a proper relationship since chemo either. She said she didn’t miss it and she’d had plenty of flings.

I wanted to ask if this was a fling or just friends or a date or what, but I didn’t have the courage.

We didn’t leave until nearly two o’clock in the morning, when the hotel kicked us out, and took a slow walk home. We passed by my place first and I wondered about inviting Elise in, but somehow it just didn’t seem that kind of night. Elise said it was a really nice evening and make sure we do it again. And then she said, again, that although she really liked the dress, next time to wear something with buttons. Now I wonder if maybe it could have been that kind of night after all.

A quick post this afternoon because who knows what time I’ll get in! I had to wear something to work that I thought would double-up for whatever kind of night out this ended up being, which has meant a slightly slinky figure-hugging dress cut to just above the knee. Jo said I looked nice and asked what I had planned for the evening, so I guess I’m not very subtle. I said just meeting a friend but my cheeks burned a little, and she laughed and said “Well I hope he likes your dress too”. I wasn’t brave enough to correct her.

I smuggled Linda’s dress back to Tim today, which of course meant talking to him very briefly (and not about work). He was trying to be nice to me, which made me feel even worse about being mean to him on Monday.

Elise replied this evening and said we had to do sushi again, because she never got to and it was “our” place now. Then see what we felt like afterwards. I have butterflies in my stomach.

Halfway through the year and what better way to do it than to inflict pain on my stomach muscles at Pilates.

I messaged Elise when I got home to see what she wanted to do on Friday night. I’m feeling a bit nervous about it, to be honest. It sort of feels like a date but not exactly. But how many times have I said that before and nothing ever happens? And when did I start thinking that going out with a girl was a date?

Curiosity got the better of me this evening and I went and checked out the photos of me online. At least there are no new ones from Sunday night, but the ones of me naked and bound on Mel’s floor… oh my word. I can’t believe Mel even took them, let alone got me to upload them. They’re almost gynaecological in parts… I mean, even I hadn’t seen bits of myself from that angle before. It’s so embarrassing and now I’m scared someone I knew from my “normal” life will see them. At least nobody’s put a face (or anything else) to a name yet.

I thought I was okay with everything but I was a bit snappy with Tim today. I know it’s just because I want to make sure he doesn’t think he has a hold over me, even though in fact he does, but he also shows no sign of using it. I feel a bit mean.

Then later in the day Mel cancelled on me, saying she saw me last night and there wasn’t much for me to work on and she didn’t feel like we’d get much out of a coaching session.

So I worked a bit later, came home and have not done much.