Ha asked me what was up today. I said nothing, and she said “okay, but I don’t believe you”. I explained I was just stuck in a bit of a rut, which is true, but it’s obviously not the main reason. I think she knows that but I just don’t want to explain it to her, and I don’t really know what there is to explain: I had a silly crush on a girl who I think also likes to get naked like me, and it turns out that both of us are into guys really? That doesn’t make any sense.

I did it. I cancelled my session with Mel. It just didn’t feel right. I just feel a bit sick, and going around hers and squirming naked on her floor just feels… dishonest, maybe. Like I’m using her, and if I keep doing it I won’t snap into anything new.

Anyway, I sent her a message saying I thought I was coming down with something so better to postpone.

What a downer. It all happened yesterday afternoon but I couldn’t muster the energy to write then.

I was very hopefully naked when I opened the door for Ellie, which surprised her a little more than I thought it would. I noticed the woman upstairs opposite looking down at us, and it would have been obvious I was in the nude, so I gave Ellie a little hug. Her coat felt really nice against my skin.

Anyway, she came in, hung her coat up and we went to the kitchen and I made some tea. Ellie’s eyes were dancing and I was really anxious to hear what she had to say.

So she started by talking about how difficult it was to tell if something was a date or not, because you can have a lot of fun but it’s only a date if both people think it’s a date, otherwise it’s just fun. My heart was racing because I knew exactly what she meant.

I was sitting opposite her at the kitchen table and literally this close to just telling her to shut up and kissing her on the lips when she said: “So I’ve been seeing this guy.”

It was absolutely one of those moments where I wished the ground would open up and swallow me whole. I really did. Or at least just rewind the day to before I had this knowledge.

Well, then she told me everything, as if I care, and she said his name is Neal, and she met him through work at a client event, and he’s quite a bit older which is why she wasn’t sure what people would think, but now she’s decided she really likes him and to hell with it.

I did my best to grin and tell her I was really happy for her. I mean, I was, and am, but I wasn’t happy for me, because it wasn’t until that moment that I realised how much I cared for her. Or, okay, I admit it: I really had a crush on her. Now I wonder if I should have said or done something earlier, or maybe I’d have just embarrassed us both. That seems more likely.

They’ve been seeing each other on and off for about a month, so even well before we kissed in the nightclub, but it was only on Wednesday that she realised he actually liked her. And, well, of course he would, because she’s cute and pretty and clever and she looks better naked than I do and I never told her that.

I was kind of happy that she wasn’t staying for long because I was feeling sick. I was going to say “to hell with Mel’s rules”, but now I’m not in the mood for anything. Time to vegetate in front of Netflix again, I think. And I might cancel Mel tomorrow.

Ellie’s coming over in a bit and I’m so excited. I’ve literally spent the entire day naked already, since after the park run anyway, and I plan to spend the entire evening that way too. Maybe she’ll end up naked too. Maybe we’ll get up to all kinds of naughtiness. I’m starting to hope so and not care about whether it means anything. Mel might have told me I can’t masturbate, but if someone else is involved I can do what I like!

And speaking of which, I was a bit embarrassed seeing Mel this morning in the park, but she was just the same as ever. We had a brief chat about how things are going and she said “see you Monday” and ran off into the distance, not even hanging around for me at the end.

This has been one hell of a week! And a quiet Friday night is very much needed, so I’ve spent some quality time with Netflix.

I started briefing new guy Tim on projects today. He’s still cute, and maybe three years younger than me. I think I like the innocence somehow, and he’s got nice eyes. Shame that’s the end of it! I think I’d be fired if I started a relationship with someone in my team. Besides, I don’t even know if he’s single. I doubt it.

My day was brightened by a message from Ellie. She said she’d really like to see me on Saturday afternoon and suggested coming round to my place. I’m not sure what to read into her message, but her actual words were: “I think I’ve finally realised some things about myself, and to hell with what other people think about who I choose to be with”.

It could mean anything, but what if she means me? It makes butterflies in my stomach, but I really don’t know what I’d feel about that. I mean, playing with Mel is one thing, but a relationship with a woman? She might be ready to ignore what other people think but I’m not sure I am.

But maybe I’m reading something into it that isn’t there.

It’s so dark at this time of year it can get more than a little depressing. It’s just about light when I leave the house, but it’s well and truly dark by the time I leave the office. And it’s harder to muster the motivation to go to Pilates when a) it’s not like Mel’s and b) I just want to go home and read a book.

I’m starting to wonder if I should say something to Ha about my visits to Mel. I wish I had done so much earlier, because now if feels too late to go straight into “oh yeah, and last night she had me in chains and gave me a hand job.”

My body still tingles when I think about it. I tried to dress a little more demurely today, in an effort to calm myself down, but it didn’t work.

On the plus side, slightly cute new guy Tim is joining my team! Or maybe that isn’t a plus side since now I can’t really flirt with him if I’m his boss, but I feel like I need to hang around with some guys a bit more to remind myself I’m meant to be looking for one! The funny thing is he’s still wondering where we’ve met before.

Oh boy oh boy I feel like I’ve stepped into a world I barely even knew existed before.

As “usual”, I was waiting outside of Mel’s door with my coat over my arm, just hoping that none of her neighbours caught the nude woman in the hallway, and as usual she made me wait. When she opened the door I went from feeling like a naked sex goddess to being an insignificant speck in the eyes of towering beauty, because once more Mel was dressed head to toe in black, with shiny black ankle boots and a big silver necklace.

I followed her in and took my own boots off, dropping me even further in height, and we started the warm-up. She said I knew what I was doing better now, so she sat in an armchair across the room while I went through the beginnings of the routine. She told me what to do next, and gave me direction, but her corrections on my position were only vocal and, oh, how I wanted her to cross the space between us and touch my skin. I’m sure she had promised something last week and I wanted to know what it was. But I daren’t remind her.

After a while I had given up, and even in the warm-down stretches she remained in her chair, one leg crossed over the other and talking about exercise and core strength as if there wasn’t a naked woman writhing around on her floor.

When we were done I sat on a kitchen stool, still naked, sipping water from a glass and Mel finally came over to stand opposite me with her arms folded across her (rather shapely) chest.

“I see you’ve managed to keep your hands off yourself,” she said, looking down at me. I hadn’t realised my arousal was that obvious and I blushed and nodded.

“Two weeks ago you came really quickly. You barely touched yourself.” I nodded and blushed again, knowing that I’d be even quicker now, despite the ache in my legs and stomach muscles. “Why was that?” she’d asked. I think I shrugged and said I didn’t know.

“Is it because I was watching?”

I was so embarrassed I could barely speak and I just said I didn’t know. Maybe. She said it was too late to be anything but open an honest with her, because I shouldn’t have any secrets, and I definitely shouldn’t be embarrassed. So I had to admit that, yes, I came really quickly because she was watching.

“And because you were naked and I was clothed?” I nodded again. “Why do you think that is?”

I shrugged and tried to answer: “Something about power. Maybe helplessness.”

“But you weren’t helpless. You had a choice.” She was right: I wasn’t. I’d chosen to do as she said. Maybe that’s what made it even more arousing: that I’d voluntarily submitted to her. I didn’t say that, though.

Then she said “wait here” and disappeared into another room that I think was her bedroom. I heard the clanking of metal and when she returned there was no mistaking what she had in her hands: a pair of thick metal handcuffs and a chain. She told me to twist on the seat and put my hands behind my back, which I did, and the cold metal was locked around my wrists. There was only a short chain between the cuffs and it pressed into my backside as I turned back.

I hadn’t noticed a second pair and she crouched down and put those around my ankles. The cuffs were slimmer and more delicate and the chain was a little longer, although I’d only be able to take shuffling steps, but just feeling the cold metal on my skin almost brought me to climax anyway. My body shook a little, I think.

Mel then stood up and looked at me with her arms crossed over her chest. “There,” she said, “Now you’re a little more helpless.”

I didn’t know what to say. I was too stunned to even think, and a little afraid of what might come next. I’d never even gotten the cuffs and bondage tape I’d bought out with Kieran, and there I was in chains and able to do little more than shuffle across the floor, if I wanted to.

Mel said she didn’t need to ask if I liked it because she could see. That made me feel more embarrassed than being naked and helpless on her kitchen chair.

“So you can masturbate now if you like,” she said to me. At that point I was so desperate and felt like I’d already crossed so many lines that it no longer made any difference, but I had no idea how. I certainly couldn’t reach any part of me with my hands behind my back. I almost ached with self-desire.

Then Mel said the strangest thing I think I’ve ever heard: “It’s exquisite to see the anguish on your face.”

But then she took a step towards me and slowly and deliberately put her hand between my legs and stroked.

I think the moan I let out was rather loud, because the sensation was one of the most intense I’ve ever felt. Within maybe fifteen seconds I was lost to an orgasm, barely able to keep my balance on the chair, and all down to two of Mel’s fingers.

And then I had trouble getting her to stop, and it was only when I clamped my thighs tight and twisted in the seat that I was able to escape.

I had trouble meeting her eye for a minute, but she sat on the stool beside me as if we were just two girls having a chat.

“Was it worth waiting a week for?” she asked. I nodded, because short as it had been, it was amazing. “Then before I release you promise me that you’ll wait another week again.” I nodded once more, but now I wonder what might have happened if I’d said “no”. Wouldn’t she have had to release me anyway?

I was let out of the chains soon after and hurried home, still embarrassed, mildly ashamed, but also totally exhilarated. And now all I want to do is masturbate again and fantasise about it all over again and I can’t!

I’m so frustrated by this celibacy thing and I don’t know why it’s so hard! It’s only been a week as well, or 8 days if anyone’s counting (and I am).

But apart from that it was good to do have a day to myself, quietly, and do some chores, and sit and read in the nude (but under a blanket).

I swear I saw the guy opposite walking around in the nude again, and the woman was definitely there this time.