My head hurts! I can’t be the only one, given how much wine we got through last night.

It was a lot of fun and almost worth it (I think). It’s the first time I really chatted to Mel and she seemed a lot friendlier than before. I nearly cried at some point just because everyone was being so nice to me about the break-up, and just as I was holding it together Mel put her hand on mine and said I should let her know if I needed anything.

Sarah was outrageous, considering she’s in a long-term relationship with George. She kept on flirting with guys, and then she’d tell them that her boyfriend wouldn’t approve but they should come and talk to me because I was newly single! I didn’t really want to talk to any guys last night so in a moment of madness, I think because Ha was there with Lily and was able to turn attention away very quickly by saying they were together, I started telling them that Sarah was leading them on and I was fully committed to my relationship with Mel! She took it well enough.

I don’t think I’m going to be doing much with this hangover today, though.

Girl’s night out tonight, and I’m not sure I can handle it without breaking down at some point! And I seem to have forgotten about the whole “being an exhibitionist” thing this week too. I’ve even been wearing underwear, which seems a bit weird after all this time, although I realise that now I’ve done a load of exercise to make sure I look passable naked that I look loads better in bra and knickers than I used to! So I’ve actually got quite a nice but rather conservative dress on today. Maybe I’ll pull! Although I’m not sure I actually want to.

I’ll write about the night out tomorrow anyway.

I had a meeting today with Jo in her office, and she said that if I was having a hard time at all then I could take a few days to myself. I said I didn’t need to, but ended up weeping a bit in her office while I told her about it. It was when I told her that it was most definitely over, no going back, that just brought it all out.

She said I’d been really kind to her when her partner had split and she wanted to repay it, and even more if possible. And then she said if I wanted to talk outside of work then I should let her know, or even if I just wanted to get drunk and forget about it we could do that. What is it with everyone thinking the first thing I’m going to do is drink my problems away, eh? Ah yes: they all know me too well :).

So Ha has organised a “girl’s night out” on Friday, with Lily, Sarah (without her partner) and Mel (who I still don’t really know). I hope I’m up to it.

I put some extra effort into Pilates this evening, because I guess if I’m going to have to find myself another man then I need to get myself into better shape! Lol.

Well, today I had Jo ask me if I was okay because I seemed a bit down, and then I ended up having a bit of a weep in the bathroom. It’s not that I’m really sad about Kieran in particular, but it’s just the end of something that I thought was going to be so good and it’s just gone the complete opposite way. It’s more annoying that it was quite good for a long time. Live and learn, I guess.

When I got back Ha sent me a message again saying that either a) she’d sit me down and make me talk about it or b) we had to go out and get hammered to forget about it. I said maybe I’d do (b) on Friday.

I channelled my anger into work today, which meant organising a lot of accounts and, unfortunately, bossing Rachel around more than I should. Ha said she hoped I was okay and if I needed to talk then I knew where she was, which was nice and it nearly made me cry. But I said I didn’t think I’d need to talk about it. I don’t think I do anyway.

I’m still mad, and upset. I went to see my mum today – I haven’t done that enough lately since I’ve been distracted with Kieran.

Then I got a text from Ha saying that Kieran said he’d broken up with me! She was checking I was okay. I said don’t believe a word he says, and I’m still not sure if I’m okay.

1. Am. So. MAD!

That’s it. It’s over. Kate and Kieran are no more, and never will be, and I’m so angry I could punch someone. Well, not just anyone: I’d punch Kieran specifically.

It started nicely enough and I went to meet Kieran after work. He was still out with a couple of colleagues, and I could tell he felt pretty damn good about himself when I turned up in a short dress and heeled sandals. But then he just started to get all cocky with them and treating me like I was just some kind of bimbo, there to make him look good.

I hinted that maybe we could just leave and go somewhere by ourselves, because I actually wanted to have a more serious talk with him, and he said something like “You mean so I can get you out of that dress?” and I said “No, and you’ll be lucky if you see any of it the way you’re carrying on.”

One of the other guys said something about “saving it until later”, which I didn’t like much either, and Kieran said that I was never usually this shy, and then he pulled out his phone and showed them a photo from our holiday in Shropshire, where I was walking along the canal with Ha with nothing on!

All the guys were looking me up and down then, and I was so mad and told Kieran I was going to leave and it was up to him if he came with me, so I put my drink down and turned around and before I knew it he had his hands on the bottom of my skirt and had lifted it halfway up my body!

Half the bar saw everything from below the waist before I had a chance to grab my dress and tug it back down, and I turned around and kind of half slapped him and told him not to ever come near me again. I can’t believe how suddenly it all happened.

I felt so humiliated I just came home and I haven’t even told Ha or anyone yet. I’m upset about it all being over, although now I think about it it felt kind of over already, but I’m more upset about what he did and how stupid I was to let myself get into that situation in the first place.

I’m kind of excited about seeing Kieran tonight. It’s a lovely day so I’ve gone for a short summer dress, which, to be honest, is a bit too short for work. I saw Matthew looking at me (and he’s still newly married!) so I flirted with him a bit before lunch. It was such a buzz when you’re wearing nothing at all underneath.

Then we had a bit of a company meeting where Henry’s retirement was announced, but in a way that didn’t make anyone think it was a big issue. I realised a short summer dress wasn’t exactly the best thing to wear for that sort of thing! Oh well.

Ha said something about me having a big night planned. I guess she knows exactly what’s under this dress!

I spent the morning in the PR company, but when I got back Jo said I’d have to brief Rachel on it and she can take over from me next week. Since Ellie isn’t there any more I don’t mind too much, although I do quite like getting out of the office every once in a while.

Kieran sent me some more messages today asking what I was going to wear to our date tomorrow. I said he’d have to wait. He suggested maybe I just didn’t bother, because nothing at all suited me very well. I said I’d have to see how the evening went, but maybe I’d have trouble getting in somewhere naked so perhaps I’d start with something. Although it would be fun to find out – maybe it’s a good way to jump the queue!