It was my second life-coaching session with Mel tonight, and boy did it get personal.

I was feeling so slinky that I got out of everything except for my tightly buttoned coat and boots in the office toilets and made my way to Mel’s feeling like I could just burst out of these clothes any minute. Except it was a bit cold for that and even under the coat I was quite chilly, and Mel’s corridor was a little more so and I was shivering a little as she made me wait outside her door with my coat over my arm.

I’m lucky that no-one’s found me that way so far, and was soon as I was inside I took off my boots and followed her into the office and sat in the chair opposite the desk. Mel said that although we didn’t have time for Pilates she wanted to improve my posture while she talked, and she took out something that she said was good for my back but was definitely more like the kind of things I’d seen in various pictures I’d been looking at over the weekend.

First, a thick leather collar went around my neck. It had metal hooks all around it, and then a pair of leather cuffs went around my wrists, and finally a leather strap went from the hook on the back of my neck to the wrist cuffs. There was basically no other way to sit than very upright with my shoulders back and my chest pushed out. I had even less movement than the previous metal cuffs and chains I had worn before and I felt even more at Mel’s mercy.

She sat opposite me in black leggings and a figure-hugging cardigan and began to ask me some intensely personal questions. It got very quickly to my desires and my, um, exhibitionist tendencies. I think partly because I was physically at Mel’s mercy I just opened up straight away, so when she asked if I got a sexual thrill from being seen naked I had to admit I did, even if it wasn’t just that. She asked me about times when it was the most intense and I told her about the canal trip last year, when we were out in the middle of nowhere and I didn’t even have clothes with me, and a couple of times when I’ve been out for a walk by myself with just a coat on.

I ended up telling her about lots of times with Kieran and how I liked it when he’d undressed me by surprise, and she said that it sounded like the thrill of discovery and being out of control were big parts of it, which was true, because I don’t really get a buzz from being naked at home in the same way, although I still prefer it. I also told her that it was much easier being naked in front of strangers than it was in front of people that knew me.

I told her that I was always embarrassed about new people finding out about me, though, and that although I always fantasise about sitting naked at work I know I’d never do it. Mel said that with my profession she could understand that, but never to try to second-guess what people may or may not accept, because I’d almost always be surprised. I know she’s right, but I can’t imagine Jo approving of me working in the nude!

Then we got onto work a bit, and she said I needed to work out a plan (which is what Jo had told me!) and the key to it was to find a mentor and someone senior who’d fight for my career in the office. I told her that Jo already did that, and straight away she asked me to describe her, and asked me if I had a crush on her. I admitted I did, or I had, but it was silly because she was quite a bit older because she was nearly forty. Then Mel told me that she was past her mid-thirties, which really shocked me, so did that mean I didn’t think she was attractive.

I was quite embarrassed telling her that, no, it didn’t mean that, because Mel is very attractive indeed, and I still can’t believe she’s that old. I guess with dark skin it can be hard to tell as the sun doesn’t age her as quickly. I’m jealous.

Then the conversation got back to Jo, and I said I had sort of fancied her, and even had dreams about her, but I thought she was very much straight. Mel asked me if I was very much straight, and I had to admit that I thought I was, but maybe I wasn’t after all, and Mel said I had to consider that straight and gay weren’t as black and white as I thought they were. I sort of knew that, but I kind of assume other people are either one or the other, even if I’m not entirely sure about myself any more.

I asked if she thought I should try to seduce Jo, and she laughed, because it was a silly suggestion, but said definitely not, because she wanted Jo to be on my side for the long-term, and even if anything happened between us it would only be a fling. And most likely Jo would reject me straight off because it’s too complicated if we’re in the same office and she’s my boss, regardless of anything else. I know she’s right, but for some reason I didn’t like to hear it.

It seemed like we were talking for hours and my back was getting tired from the “posture correction”, and then when Mel looked at the clock it was nearly ten!

It was only when she unbuckled me and I rubbed my wrists and put my coat back on that I realised nothing physical had happened between us, yet somehow all the talking left me kind of drained. But now I’m back home and have eaten a little I’m disappointed because she only touched me to put the cuffs and collar on.

And the real bummer was she said I’d never push myself into anything if I had an easy way out, and that meant no masturbating for the week because I was only really going to get to know myself when I confronted my sexual tension head-on. I don’t even understand that, but I can’t believe I have to go a whole week!