I’m desperately trying to lean down for my performance in six (I think?) weeks time, which meant I was starving by the time Pilates finished. I’m quite pleased I managed to keep myself to some protein and greens, so I should be full enough for the night.

I had lunch with Ha. I still haven’t told her about my sessions with Mel. It’s definitely too late.

But she was asking if I was excited about Saturday night at Sarah’s, and how keen she was to see what my chat-up technique was! And then she said that probably being naked was enough and I didn’t need one. I saw someone raise an eyebrow at an adjacent table in the café.

My oh my that was some evening with Mel.

I’m getting used to leaving the office in just my coat now, and even bumping into Rachel and walking part of the way with her didn’t feel weird. It’s still a bit nerve-wracking to stand outside Mel’s door with my coat over my arm and hope none of the neighbours turn up, but it’s still only happened that one time.

But as soon as I was through the door and out of my boots I was ushered into her office and into the yoke once more. And then as I was sat in the chair she produced another one, except this one went around my ankles, and it meant I couldn’t even keep my knees together. It was always bad enough that my arms were helpless but I was just so exposed, and even though I kept on twisting in place there was no way I was going to be able to hide any part of myself.

And then if that wasn’t bad enough she took something out from the side of the desk and as she set it up I realised it was a small video camera on a tripod, and she said from now on she was recording all of her sessions so that clients could watch them back, and so she could take more notes afterwards without breaking the flow.

It made me a bit nervous, to be honest, because I couldn’t get the idea out of my mind that there was someone on the other end of the camera watching me. But just thinking about that turned me on… and when you’re sat with your arms outstretched and your legs spread, well, you can’t help but bare it all, because you already are.

So I told Mel about my Friday low point, and my frustrations at work, and how I was feeling quite stressed, and she said she could tell, and she didn’t want to push me too far, and I said I wasn’t ready to upload the photos of myself naked in the yoke from two weeks ago, and then I looked at the camera and said I hoped she didn’t think I’d be uploading video as well. She just smiled, and then she went to a set of drawers across the room, rifled around for half a minute, and came back with what I thought was a microphone at first and then saw it was a small vibrator!

And then she started asking me about what was going on at work, and as I started to talk she switched the vibrator on, reached over and pressed it quite firmly between my legs.

I instantly lost my sentence, and just as quickly Mel stopped. She said I had to keep talking and just let the words come out without thinking. She reckoned it was almost like a hypnotic state and she’d find out what was really bothering me if I couldn’t choose my words carefully.

So I started again, and the vibrator started again, and I honestly can barely remember what I said. I’m sure I just babbled, and sometimes my voice rose because the stimulation just sent waves through me that were sometimes too powerful, and then Mel would move the vibrator just a few inches higher on my skin, close enough that the stimulation was still there but not so much that I couldn’t bear it, and as my voice returned she’d move back down again.

I was completely lost to it all. I think I talked about work and life and everything, and fear of failure, and not being able to find someone, and being judged, and not working hard enough, and not being attractive enough, and all the time my body was on the edge of erupting and it was like one big ball of emotion.

Mel knelt in front of me, pressing the vibrator between my thighs, and she told me that all of those things were normal fears, that I had to overcome them even if I never made them disappear entirely, and then she put one hand on my breast and just being touched by another human being was enough to send me over the edge into a whimpering, throbbing, panting uncontrollable orgasm, made all the worse by not being able to control it, move towards it or recede from it. It was being inflicted on me as much as given to me but it was everything I needed at that moment.

When it finally ended I had tears running down my cheeks, and Mel put her hand on my thigh and said that no matter what I thought about her methods she had only my own interests in mind. I nodded, and then the flashing red light off to one side reminded me that the whole thing had been recorded on camera. It was a feeling of exposure that I hadn’t experienced before and I wondered if that was its sole point, because I can’t imagine either of us ever watching that hour of footage.

She released my arms and legs and helped me to my feet, and I followed her into the kitchen. I knew I looked a mess with smudged mascara and Mel poured us both a glass of wine while I went to her bathroom to tidy myself up. I was still naked when we sat and drank together, and we talked about nothing much in particular, and it made me sad when I had to leave.

Now I’m home and wondering if this is just some kind of seduction, or maybe it’s some kind of mind trick, because sitting here right now the only thing I can think of is Mel and when I’ll next see her.

Time’s moving so fast at the moment and I had to do a review of my past two weeks ready to go through it with Mel tomorrow. Writing more down (and not just here!) is helping me, I think, but I still don’t quite know where it’s all heading.

Then I spent some more time practicing, because I know Mel will ask me tomorrow. It’s one of the few things I feel the need to draw the curtains for nowadays. And strangely, you’d think learning a strip dance would make me feel horny (since I haven’t been able to find any release for my urges for a while now), but I feel too silly to even learn it naked, and I’m really not doing it very well fully clothed. I end up feeling less aroused than if I was just reading a book.

I was determined not to wallow in self-pity after my low patch yesterday, and the morning park run with Mel did perk me up a bit. And then I came home and tried learning some more of the routine before deciding what I really needed was to get out and about. So I put on my best underwear and stockings and my coat and went for a walk and ended up hanging out in a coffee shop and somehow chatting with Ellie over messenger.

Although I’m jealous that she at least has someone, and they have her, she’s really frustrated about how slowly it’s moving! She says she’s dropped every hint but he’s still not doing more than giving her a quick peck on the lips before dropping her home on a date night. Even Kieran was more forward than that, and he took his time! (The bastard.)

I came home and put a bit more practice time in, and before I knew it I’d frittered the day away entirely.